Snippets from the news - Women and marriage
It's a rather harsh choice for women at the moment; if you want to be happy and successful, stay single, but if you want happy and successful children, get married and stay married.
I do think that many women expect more out of marriage than most men do. I don't think you'll find many men who expect relationships to be anything other than hard work from time to time.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/24/women-stop-looking-mr...
"But in reality, we aren't fish who can do without a bicycle; we're women who want a traditional family."
Yeah,those feminists,they really started something they couldn't finish.
As Marge Simpson said, passion is for teens and immigrants. I'd rather be happy with a dullard than be forever searching for someone who doesn't exist.
Yeah, sure, there has to be a fundemental spark, an attraction, but over and above that, it's people's efforts that generally make relationships work (or not, as the case maybe)
Speaking as a man, I'm sure Ms Gottlieb isn't suggesting women should settle for any old tosser that tells them to get their coat 'cos they've pulled, merely that the most initially attractive (in all senses) prospect is not necessarily the best long term.
But if she helps more women to be slightly more realistic about the fact that most men are, let's face it, not super-romantic Adonises who are going to sweep them off their feet into a lifelong passionate swoon, and that they're consequently unlikely to meet such a specimen, let alone be swept off their feet by him, then she may have helped to make the world a slightly happier place. And, of course, the super-romantic Adonis that does sweep a woman off her feet is no more likely (quite probably less so) to stick around and make a real effort to make the best of a marriage/cohabitation in the long term.
As a man my opinion is thus. Unlike women we don't have a big clock ticking away telling us to reproduce. Time and biology is on our side and to be honest we don't really care. If you're good enough to take us under your wing and think we deserve your time then we are lucky indeed. If you want to hold out for the perfect match that's entirely your choice. Just don't whinge about it when you're too old to have kids.
Some people are lucky and meet someone they feel comfortable and happy with. Enough to spend the rest of their lives together. Some not so fortunate. I bet some Mr. Rights have turned out to be Mr. Wrong's on more than one occasion. Pot Luck People.
looking for Mr.Right is a waste of time. He isn't born yet, but his mother died.
Well, I think some of you are focussing too narrowly on the unfortunate term White Knight , and avoiding the rather subtler point of the article, which is that most women (and I think men) tend to hold out for true love. Marriage is viewed in our society as a function of romance, not a practical arrangement. Therefore women should focus not on feelings of love, but find someone who can perform the necessary duties capably and well.
To me this is a reasonable point and I think it is absolutely accurate to suggest that marriage (and therefore our choice of partner) is overwhelmingly viewed as the consummation of a romance, rather than the beginning of a life project.
Similarly I think the point about feminism is well-made and has been mistakenly conflated in the thread. To begin with, the term was used in a leader which described the author's views, and in a rather loose, general way I believe. Gottlieb herself never said, "Feminism has told women to hold out for White Knights". (I wouldn't trust this reporter's summary of Gottlieb's manifesto at all, particularly as she presents in juxtaposition at the end of the article another author who is not really in juxtaposition with Gottlieb at all.) The point Gottlieb is making is that feminism has presented women with a false ideal of independence, that it's wrong for women to want what they want, and that this creates (for most women) an unliveable paradigm, which can only lead to failure and feelings of guilt. Why should women be independent? Why should everyone go through life unaided? Doesn't even the obscenely patriarchal institution of marriage profess, in the wedding vows, that marriage is a marriage of equals, that the husband and wife should help each other? Personally I find the idea that we should be independent offensive and unnatural, moreover completely unrealistic and naive, something that could only be thought up as the logical extension of a rationality, rather than what someone that anyone could reasonably feel or infer from their own experience. Going through life alone is only for the superhuman among us: we should certainly not feel guitly for wanting a partnership - but feminism, whatever it is, does imply that this is some kind of sign of weakness of character, that the "good" woman is the "strong" woman and the "strong" woman is the "independent" woman. This may be true, but it prevents recourse to the obvious and universally available means of leading a better, happier life, which is to give and receive help freely. It is a question of what you want our culture to define as a negative way to live, and I don't think we should be defining the act of helping one another as a sign of weakness. But that claim, I think, is hidden within the very important aspirations of feminism. This should just go to show that you can't tinker with the way that people have lived for centuries and centuries without getting it wrong somewhere along the line.
there is a great deal of truth in what she says. I live in China where I come across many women of 24 and 25 in a desperate panic to marry (they will take anyone when the fear grips them). Compare this to Hong Kong (and, I suppose, the UK, where a large number of women are single through thteir 30s. They still have the fear, it just happens a decade later.
Beware Americans bearing wisdom!
It is natural as we get older to look back on our lives and see what we would have wanted, for example a husband or child. But the reality is that our younger selves did not want these things and so we did not seek them at the time. If we had wanted them then we would have gone out looking for them.
The other problem is that society relies on the ideal as laid down in culture. I agree that from Austin to Friends to Sex and the City women are bombarded with these strong female characters who are looking for Mr Right. When these characters find Mr Right they don't know it straight away and when they do they seem perfect. This doesn't happen in real life. No man can be perfect as no woman can be either. We are human. The idea is to settle down with someone you know you can live with for the rest of your life even if they have an annoying little nose picking habit (or whatever).
We should stop looking and start living...Mr Right may be just around the corner but you would never know it as you are looking to hard for your idealised view.
My Mum found her Mr Right nearly 35 years ago and they are still as happy now as they have ever been (and yes there are some thing they don't agree on, but they work through it) and I know that I have found my Mr Right...he isn't perfect, but in a way even his bad points are so 'him' that in a way they make him perfect.
I thought Olivia judson had written the last word on this: human females, like some long term mating birds, are programmed to seek the best 'steady' mate to help bring up the kids, but none-the-less have their eye out for high quality genes to get pregnant by.
This second wish becomes a bit sublimated to 'romance'.
But there are Mr Rights: women report higher frequency of orgasms depending on the physical attractiveness of their partner as rated by other women, whether or not they are in a relationship with him (nature rewards good-gene seeking, not Victorian morality).
So you can have your cake and eat it if you marry a really attractive guy: but you will probably need to be very attractive yourself, and you will probably have to put up with him being unfaithful, as the other girls will have weak knicker elastic - sorry, fall in love - near him.
Isn't life a bugger?
The problem this article alludes to is that we are sold a pup with the convention of marriage. If it was more realistic....it would be less popular but possibly more successful.
Make sure to have some good times together. That forms a good basis for the more adult mature relationship you have to build up later on.
Modern woman needs to get real. The purpose of a partner is self-fulfillment for both parties. That doesn't fall from heaven but has to be worked at. Women who expect it to fall into their lap or else blame their partner are totally self indulgent and can only blame themselves for their disappointment. And yes, feminism encourages this feeling of 'me first' that destroys any partnership.
You can't buck nature. However much we build a veneer civilisation, we are all basiclly mammals driven by our biology and the need to mate. Under our clothes we're all naked.
Remember: Women need men but don't want them and men want women but don't need them. The younger blokes I work with have no interest in marriage, only sex, and are happy as they are. The older unmarried blokes are not interested in single women of their own age because they think there's something wrong with them if nobody has already proposed. And sitting comfortably at home with their parents, washing done, plenty of money for drinking with mates - what bloke would want to swap that for some moody woman and a mortgage. Only somebody who was really, seriously in love would be my guess. So there aren't that many "Mr Good Enough's " around who are interested any more either. But I'm sure those women who opted for a career will have the fascinating memories of it to cheer them up in their twilight years.
the man perfect is as realistic as the woman perfect.
why do some women think they deserve a perfect man?
why do some women lament the fact that there are no perfect men?
men don't talk about the perfect woman.
Perfectionism is a female cult.
Through the bile of teaching in women's magazines, women are searching for perfectionism in themselves and their world.
perfect houses
perfect children
perfect wife mother and lover for themselves
perfect husband father and lover in him
perfect body
perfect career
I'm sorry but... GET REAL!!!
(and start by stop reading women's magazines...)
We only get one life, and the thought that women spend most of it waspishly rejecting potential suitors in the manner of some Disney Princess is just too depressing.
The best piece of advice I ever received on relationships was given to me by an extremely pragmatic older woman and was this: "People don't change"
People's expectations, desires and outlooks can change over time, but more fundamentally, people's characters don't
Women have a relentless inbuilt optimism that somehow the surly, lazy chap they're with now is going to miraculously buck up and get over themselves once they're hitched.
Is he kind to you, does he make you laugh, can you talk and listen to each other, do you both broadly want the same things out of life?
You do? Fantastic -Go forth and prosper.
Oh, but he doesn't have brown eyes? Bummer. Back to the drawing board.
Take your time and get to know Mr Second Best. If he's any good, he'll understand and maybe that's what he wants too. Underneath the Second Best exterior, there might be someone else who's maybe only got a white bicycle, but who rides it dashingly and is just waiting for that princess who thinks she's Miss Second Best.
Depressing as it is to admit, they do have a point - just look the number of people undergoing fertility treatment, overseas adoptions, and artificial insemination. Marriage is a partnership, and isn't one long date / honeymoon but our culture has fooled us into believing it is hence the divorce rate. I'm not saying the old fashioned idea of marrying the best option locally by 20 is the answer but we do need to look beyond looks, and unfortunately lust!
I also think the best parents care deeply about each other however do not have the desire to be "just the 2 of them" a lot, instead spending whole family time ... too often I hear of families now holidaying apart (kids farmed off to some camp while the parents live it up in the Carribean) in this quest to keep the honeymoon feeling.
Ultimately there are many models of life out there, they are all right, it up to you how you live your life, just be realistic or stop moaning.
If as this poster says
sdys15453
24 Jan 2010, 10:30AM
All the "Mr Not Bad"'s I have tried out turned out to be "Mr Liar", "Mr Cheater", "Mr Jealous & Controlling" or "Mr Psychopath"- I've now preferred to settle for me being "Ms Alone" - a lot less hassle. If there is a "Mr Right", a knight in shining armour, I've given in trying to find him because the "Mr Not Bad"'s turned out to be "Mr Terrible" underneath the false veneer of personality. I'm sure a lot of blokes feel the same way about the women they have met whilst waiting for "Miss/Ms Right".
and i have experienced the same thing from what i thought was Mr Right (i.e. i really did feel passionately about these men, i wasn't 'settling for good enough/ second best' by being with them) - then i rather suspect that there is something very wrong with many many men in this day and age. So why do people seem to blame the women here, as though we are all looking for Brad Pitt and nothing less will do?
Yes, we want someone we are attracted to, who is kind, considerate, we can converse with and to have mutual respect, trust and loyalty. It's not so much to ask - i don't care if they don't have a house, a car a job, they're just material things. As i told my first love - i'd live in a cardboard box as long as i had you.
So enough with laying the blame for increasing single numbers squarely at the feet of women and perhaps it is time to ask, what's happening with men?
I think society and men in particular are becoming less grounded, less self aware and more indifferent. Why - I don't know but I can see it from narrowing pointless education, 24/7 media and shortening attention spans.
The recent song ' Do you want the truth or something beautiful?' sums up modern times.
If people can't be honest with themselves, looking at their own faults, prejudices and diversity, then they certainly can't convey that to someone else or even understand someone else's needs.
The 'poppycock' is not in the article but in the comments whose general tone is: "marriage is a waste of time, because people end up hating it and each other". This is talk from failures, who should look at their own faults to discover why they've failed. Self-indulgent twaddle and pressing of views from failures on the rest of us is a waste of time. If you can't make it, go out and try harder. If you don't want to make it then your views on the subject are immaterial.
The successes wouldn't have it any other way -- and I'm glad to say that in my experience they are the norm.
Love can grow, passion usually fizzles out under the pressure of social,and economic pressures, and I suspect that many people confuse the two. They are different and lack of clarity about this is, I feel a major cause of unhappiness in relationships.
The truth is only 10% (if that!) of us men out there are anything near what most women would consider Mr Right! And since Mr Right must necessarily also be faithful, then 90% of the women out there are destined to have to settle for Mr Not Bad or a lot worse, no husband.
Of course the reverse is equally true; only 10% of the women out there are the Mrs Right!
We all want the perfect partner regardless of how imperfect we ourselves are!
There would be a lot happier individuals in this world if only we can ever learn not to look for perfection in others.
There are too many people (men and women) wandering around with unrealistic fantasies in their heads.
Mr. Right does not exist. What you get is Mr. Right Now.
The guy you consider Mr. Right at 18 may not be Mr. Right at 21 or 25 or 30.
As people grow, they change. Consequently, what they want in a partner changes over time. People who aren't aware of that keep holding out for that intense kind of love without realising what part they play in their relationships.
This fiery, passionate love that a lot of people seem to be holding out for comes with a host of problems. When passions reign, reason takes a back seat and causes you to overlook red flags that should stop you from getting into a relationship.
Your friends can't get through to you, you alienate your family because they say things that you don't want to hear. You can go from bad relationship to bad relationship convincing yourself that it went wrong just because he/she wasn't the one and refusing to accept that you may be looking for something in partner that simply doesn't exist.
Relationships require tolerance and accommodation. Everybody has bad habits and an integral part of marriage involves making the conscious decision to love your spouse despite their shortcomings. If you keep measuring your partner against some unattainable measure of perfection then you'll end up miserable or/and alone.
When a woman judge a man, just as when anyone judges anyone else, the 'judge' presumes a position of superiority to be able to do so.
A woman's check-list for man can read like an insecurity agenda.
This means that it is not Mr Right who gets placed on the high pedestal, it's the woman herself that has placed herself there.
There should be no difference with being able to get along with a guy just as they get along with female friends, except for the added element of sexual attraction and if she's honest with herself perhaps also her financial /social status ambitions
As a broad generalisation I find men and women increasingly selfish, for different reasons, which to me lies at the heart of both genders being increasingly unfulfilled.
When was the last time you put yourself second and did something to help someone else not because there was something in it for you, but precisely for the opposite reason.
And if so how often?
Then compare to the instances of putting yourself first, or entitlement as the hacks call it. Why should you feel this entitled? Because you're worth it !
Hmm..
Obviously no one is saying marry someone you don't love or like; it's just the rather obvious advice that might come from your sensible Jewish mother that you don't just pick a guy for his looks and tasty lips when you're trying to "settle down" and all that. Gottlieb's advice is actually pretty sensible- the main flaw in her argument is it's apparent assumption that everyone wants marriage and children, not to mention her poor word choice. She is probably correct that women do have a larger pool of available men when they are younger. Most people I know (I'm 39) paired off by their early thirties, and whether those relationships have worked out so far,and whether they seem headed towards divorce (and increasing the pool of single people) or long term stability is down to a lot of things.
as they say:'you got to be in it to win it'. I'm 39, been properly in love 3 times. Holding out, thats a mistake. get involved, if it goes pear shaped so be it, keep trying. Yeah you get your heart broken, but it mends and you do, eventually, get it right.
For gods sake don't buy a cat.....
Era's end suddenly and right now we are at the end of the 80's and 90's. Women are changeable , though adaptable might be the better word.
There is general disillusion with the
career lifestyle , employment is becoming more uncertain, and is often performed in a toxic ambience .
Many career women are saying , "this is bloody daft , the stress , the long hours the commuting etc. Younger women looking ahead are saying , I don't see years of study, student loans etc . So there is a whiff of rebellion in the air.
The fifties lifestyle is looking appealing, though most people were not alive then and don't know the disadvantages.
My wife who I regard as a harbinger of the future trends of women , packed in her career about 6 years ago and is playing fifties woman. We have found ourselves in a fifties style bungalow with big picture windows and a mature garden in a small town.
Her friends are envious , saying "I want to do that. " Now she refers to herself as Mrs Higgs rather than Ms Jackson.
Last fall there was this fund raiser for a non profit , mostly attended by career women , For fun they had a Tarot card reader, it was besieged, the most frequent question being " Will I get a ring next year. ,
I sort-of agree with Joem.
Last night, Germaine Greer said that that women should never trust men. I put my hand up and said that her observation needs to be refined, it's only the Alpha males who are untrustworthy scum. The audience, 85% or so of it female, cheered.
Guess what: Mr Right is almost invariably an Alpha male.
From another mature friend of mine, married thirty years, divorced, now re-married to a woman of a different culture:: "Happiness is only enjoyed in retrospect. No one ever says 'I m blissfully happy today'. It's always 'I was happy then' ". From the guy I helped work on the date for the marriage,"You are only half a feminist". He made his decision because of what carricatures of Feminists are supposed to look like, and be like.
There are still people out there, male and female who have not yet gotten it into their heads that a feminist is a person who believes implicitly and explicitly, that a woman can do everything she want to do, except impregnate another woman, and she has the basic human right to do these things.Feminists can be soft and cuddly, beautiful, independent, and a great cook among other endearing traits. What she chooses to do with those gifts/skills, is what defines her.
Maybe there's a Mr Right, maybe there isn't.
It seems to me that the secret to a happy relationship is to look for someone you like being around, can be friends with, who you can stand sleeping with (which is actually NOT sexist - no pun intended) and who's your intellectual equal.
And if this is not mutual, it's not going to work.
@fatalist:
How come nobody writes books of this ilk for men?
The men's edition is titled "Stop Looking for Ms. Right Now"
Men also seek Miss right and the issue of choosing who is available or waiting is just the same.
Life is not easy , If one waits for mr or miss right they may never show up.
If one decides on who who is available Mr/miss right may subsequently show up.
This attraction may be so compelling that all sorts of trouble will ensue.
The fates are fickle.
Being a male in my mid-twenties, I thought I'd weigh in. This is less to do with the actual article and more to do with the state of men and settling for Mr. OK.
I believe there really is a lack of quality men (and women) in this country. We're all a product of our times and the time/society we live in is fundamentally screwed up.
If people these days worked as hard at developing their personality, character and soul as their careers, there'd be many better men and women for each other. The broad swathe of the nation gives little thought to their main qualities and how that might relate to finding a partner.
Good advice. Bear in mind that in the olden days women couldn't even choose themselves a Mr Good Enough, they had to take whomever their parents decided they'd take. And many (most?) of them were very happy! Anyway the whole concept of Mr Right is imaginary, it only exists in cheesy films. Also, in the long run, the success of a relationship depends not only on the match of individuals but on the ability of those individuals to love, to make a relationship work, which does not necessarily depend on who they do it with.
@ SamA86
there really is a lack of quality men (and women) in this country
Right. So try emigrating, like I did. Not to Australia though, that's only any good if you like butch beer-swilling ladies. Try Germany, Scandinavia or Russia.
we can all have our Mr Right, we just have to be realistic enough about life to spot him when he comes along - Mr RIght won't be Mr Perfect, because after all, which of us is perfect? He's Mr fairly-flawed in all probability but a nice match for our own copious flaws.
'Until I meet Mr Right I am having a great time with Mr Wrong.'
True love. Pah!!! It's been invented to flog movies, perfume, flowers on which much misery then ensues.
No, I don't hate men (well, sometimes I have my moments but I'm an older sister and a daughter and have in the past been a girlfriend and sometimes it just can't be helped). Nor does my mother hate men (ibid.).
As it goes, I find the concept of Mr Right laughable as I detailed in my second post.
My ideal man would be thus -
-tall
-dark
-handsome
-with good job
-own house
-no interfering mother in law
-cooking skills
-prepared to do exactly as i said as soon as he was told
-no interest in video games
-a passing interest (and nothing more) in football
-a demonstrable interest in everything i am interested in
-likes buying me presents
-good father skills
-prepared to give up job and bring up children so that i can keep my less well paid one
-doesn't prefer blondes
etc, etc.
think I'm asking a lot? Too much?
Yes, me too. That's why I laughed.
Thank god I know he doesn't exist or else I'd definitely be single for the rest of my life.
But hey, I'm very aware of my own imperfections so, as I said before, s'all about compromising a little...
Tevye: But do you love me?
Golde: Do I love him? For twenty-five years I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years, my bed is his... If that's not love, what is?
- Fiddler on the Roof
i have a hard time understanding women who DON'T feel this kind of stress in their life. i'm 34 years old, have an advanced degree and an excellent job. i've had plenty of opportunities to date, but i've never been able to get married -- although not for lack of trying. i've worked quite hard to get where i am professionally, but i'd give it all up in a second, if need be, in order to get married. i don't see this as a weakness in any way. recognizing that i want to build my life with someone else, have shared, collective memories, raise a family (with or without children) aren't things that are mutually exclusive with being an intelligent, independent woman. i don't know if i want to have children or not, but i do know that i want to be married. i get really tired of people telling me that wanting to be married is a sign of weakness, a character flaw, a symbol that i have something lacking within myself. if i say at this stage that my biggest priority in life is to find a husband, that is not because of a societally imposed norm, as it possibly was for my grandmothers' generation. rather, it is because i simply think that life is richer and more fun when i have someone to share it with, and i want that sharing to start as soon as possible.
"Married women are not as successful in their careers as single women." - i wonder if it is just that the ones who make men marry them just stop working and in exchange for certain activities do not have to work at all?
I only read the newspaper article and not the book and I thought she is so right! I know so many friends in her situation looking and waiting for that Mr. Right and weeks drag on to years and their prime have passed them and I can see their regrets.
The thing is people are so varied; Mr Right could turn out to be Mr Nightmare in time just as Mr. Good enough could turn out to be Mr. Right. I think Ms Gottlieb has her point in saying about the copycat nature of people who are influenced by fashionable tv programs like sex in where? and friends etc. People see that and thought that's what others really do and they wouldn't settle for less. So by the time they are passed their sell by date ... voila! I certainly have many friends in this situation and I think if given a 2nd chance, they would have jumped at the 2nd best ... my former girlfriend was such a case!
I tried to read most of the posts, but they just sound angry and cynical. I am extatically, happily married and crazy in love with my husband. We're not newlyweds, we just chose well and work hard. I completely agree with the premise of Lori Gottlieb's book - single middle aged people, especially women, are lonely and desperate and I know I would be too. I think the women I know who are over 30 all do want to get married. They don't sit around bawling about it, but no, none of them are fantasizing about living alone forever and ever. Having a wonderful partner is fulfilling, propels you to do great things in life and at work and is a million times better than not having anyone. There is nothing abnormal or pathetic about wanting that. I think people are missing the point - that women sit around wanting a perfect partner and when one doesn't come along, they think they are somehow doing the best thing by not "settling." What they should be doing is taking a realistic assessment of themselves and then adjusting their expectations. Chubby receptionists with exzema and thinning hair are just stupid to hold out for a guy who looks like Clive Owen, is a surgeon, an heir, and Prince Charming. That's what I think the point of the book is. If you aren't perfect, quit thinking that someone who is perfect will want you. Either make yourself perfect - work out, get a degree, earn some money, volunteer at an animal shelter, etc. - or start looking at people who are in your league. Otherwise you will not find anyone and be unhappy alone. And I think most people don't want to be alone. I wouldn't.
I wonder whether marrying for the sake of getting married may lead people to overlook that their partner is not only not Mr. Right, but not even Mr. Good Enough. Projecting a fantasy onto a convenient person without getting to know him/her is a fatal error, and terribly lonely for the project-ee.
I'm engaged for the first time at 45, but the whole bridezilla/dressing up like a big blancmange thing never worked for me and in some ways, given family drama, I'd rather elope. But I have no doubts about my partner or his commitment to me. He is the right person, and I can tell because living together in close quarters 24/7 in for 2 months we don't annoy each other and still find joy daily. But he's not Mr Right as I might have defined it even 5 years ago. That is, despite being very physically attractive to me he's not necessarily my "type," he's not the same religion, and (G*d forbid) he spends time watching sports on TV... in the end, then, it's about him, not about some CV that he brings to the table. Most importantly he sees - and loves - me, he listens, and takes an active interest. He's up for the adventure. And as middle-aged people we know what's important and what's bullshit and have the guts to decide to go forward with it.
Fortunately I didn't marry Mr Right, but spent 2 years in therapy trying to figure out why I wasn't feeling it.
So I do wonder whether people who get divorced once upon a time did think that their partner was Mr/Ms Right, and how well they really get to know a person before getting married. As a child of divorced parents I do worry about making the right decision.
What's it got to do with feminism, though? That seems like a red herring.
Great Piece about Dating
It was very refreshing to see your piece about women changing their perspectives about their expectations of dating and relationships. The piece perfectly explained the exact life experience that myself (and countless other males) have experienced.
I am a happily single 50s professional male that was often on the receiving end a date with a woman who would summarily dismiss the viability of a person based on some tiny bit of worthless minutia. In a strange way, these numerous women likely did me (and all the other guys they rejected) a big favor. The truth was that these women had the prioritizing and judgment skills of a 9 year old school girl…. And wouldn’t be a good mate for me or anyone else anyway.
Ironically, I ended up being married to such a woman for 7 years. I was very happily married, and we never had any issues at all about money, fidelity, sex etc. However she maintained herself in a constant mode of being “unhappy” because she didn’t see the level of marital perfection she had dreamed about in our home, jobs, friends, social circles, community, etc,etc. In the end, we got divorced because I was just tired of living my life with someone who spent so much time complaining and fretting about what she didn’t have … instead of being thankful for all the good things we did have. She has gone on to repeat this cycle with other men even today.
For several years after my divorce I dated often, an I was stunned to find how many single women in their 40’s are still stuck in this same cycle of seeking some intangible standard of perfection in a male… while being completely blind to their own (rapidly growing) list of imperfections. It was very disappointing to see that these women were unable to evolve out of their “Cinderella” mentality. I am now in a great long term relationship with a smart, accomplished and attractive woman who “gets it”.
Perhaps the only mis-step the author made was to use the word “settle”. It would have been much more appropriate to say “ Mr. Right is already out there just waiting for you to wake up from your adolescent Cinderella fantasy”….. every male watching your piece “got it” right away.
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